I’m just going to say what everyone else is thinking. OK, maybe not everyone else, but lots of others. If you’re wearing a “man bun,” just know, that I can’t take you seriously. I understand the desire for long hair, I really do. I also understand the convenience of a bun. I just can’t understand why any man would want a hairstyle that’s inspired by ballerinas. You may call me a chauvinist, but maybe I’m just traditional. The Italian in me gives me the ability to grow some hair on my upper lip, but you’re not going to find me rocking a mustache anytime soon. I want to see a man in a bun just about as much as I want to see a man in a pair of UGGs (sorry, Tom Brady). So just stop it.
While we’re at it, skinny jeans. Recently, my S.O. set out for some new jeans. He stopped at the GAP and came home empty handed. “Why?” I asked, knowing the GAP is somewhat of a staple for jeans. “Well,” he said, “I couldn’t even get my foot through the hole.” “What?” I responded. He informed me, the entire selection offered at that particular store, did not offer one style with a leg opening that was wide enough to accommodate a male size 12 foot, let alone a male that wears work boots. I totally get how fashion works, and how trends work. What I don’t get, is why men want to wear jeans that show off the shape of their legs (if they can get them on, that is) and make their feet look like giant flippers in comparison. After all, showing off your shape is the point of skinny jeans, right? They look good on us ladies, especially the darker washes. They can be slimming and super flattering, and cute with a flowy top. But the guys? I just don’t get the attraction. This needs to go away, along with that ever-present “trend” of wearing the waist of your pants below your boxer shorts. You know who you are. Stop it.
And another thing, has no one lately heard of a trimmer? Men like beards for lots of reasons: they keep you warm, they look masculine, lots of women are turned on by them. But for heaven’s sake, if you grow a mass of hair of face, can you at least keep it trimmed? When it’s so overgrown you can’t see your lips, it’s time to rethink why you’re doing this in the first place. Is it to look sexier? More masculine? Is it just laziness? Are you a lumberjack? Do you idolize Santa Clause? I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t let the hedges in front of your house grow so you can’t even see out your windows. So guys, please do yourselves a favor (and my eyes) and GROOM. Oh yah, and remember that study that said beards harbor residues of poop? YAH. TRIM those things. And if you don’t have the time to, or you’re just too lazy and it requires too much upkeep, then shave and move on with it.
Disclaimer: Check out these services that’ll help you follow my advice.
Finally, (for now), guyliner. We see you, Jared Leto, and your fancy Guilty cologne commercial. My question is, I always wash my makeup off before bed, why don’t you? I hope that it doesn’t give you a nasty case of pink eye.
Jené Luciani is the bestselling author of three books and a regular on-air contributor on a number of national shows including NBC’s Today, Dr. Oz, and Wendy Williams. She resides in upstate New York with her spouse and their four children. The opinions expressed are those of her own and not of the Barber Surgeons Guild.